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Southamptons best…

Meat and two bread

Derren, Senior Calorie
Consumption Officer

07 February 2018

Dear readers, I could tell you that some noble cause inspired this blog series, I could tell you we’re embarking on this adventure for the good of science or the benefit of mankind. However, I don’t want to start out our relationship with deception so I’m going to come right out and say it; we’re doing this blog series because we love eating cheeseburgers!

Ross and I have been studying at Southampton Solent University for a little over two years now and one of the best things about visiting a large city every day is the abundance of food establishments to choose from. The problem with this is that eating out costs money, and being dirt poor students, we need to be selective about where we spend our hard earned government subsidised money.

So, we asked ourselves how can we make sure that when we do eat out, we know we are going to get great food at a reasonable price? Sure, we could just look on Trip Advisor, or any one of the numerous other rating sites but nothing beats first-hand experience, and who better to judge what food we like best than us?

Ooozing, cheesy goodness.

Photograph by u/Meunderwears via r/FoodPorn

Now we like lots of different foods; pizza, fried chicken, Chinese, couscous, you name it. Actually, not couscous, nobody actually choses to eat that weird flavoured sand, do they?

Of all the epic foods available though one food stands above them all, the humble cheeseburger.

“There is nothing more carnally appealing than a slab of protein, covered in melted protein, sandwiched between carbohydrates that makes it the ultimate food. ” – Ghandi (probably)

So, what makes a great cheeseburger? Is it that feeling you get when you hold it with both hands to take the first bite? Or is it the way the juices run out the back of the bun and saturate your beard? Perhaps it’s the feeling of total loss when it’s all gone? If only there were two intrepid ‘young’ men willing to discover not only what makes a cheeseburger great, but what makes a cheeseburger the best?

That’s where we step in. Throughout this series we will be visiting numerous cheeseburger emporiums throughout the Southampton metropolitan area, enjoying their produce and rating them according to strict criteria. What are those criteria I hear you shouting at your screen, we got you fam:


Where you eat can sometimes be as important as what you eat. Good décor, comfortable seating and an enjoyable atmosphere all contribute to your experience of a meal. Even the best food in the world can seem average if you are sat on plastic garden furniture or surrounded by drunken louts.


Whether your cheeseburger is brought to you by a waitress or you buy it from a kiosk, the quality of the service you receive is one of the aspects of a meal that sticks with you long after the taste has gone. In this category we are looking for friendly, welcoming staff who provide efficient service.

Making us aware of specials is great but pushy upselling is going to cost you points.


Often an afterthought, the classic French fry should be crisp on the outside with a hot fluffy inner. They should have the structural integrity required to scoop up sauce and yet be malleable enough to shove in your mouth.

Opinions on what makes a great French fry vary wildly, many people are huge fans of the McD’s style of fry but here at Two Bearded Guys we are all about the crunch.

Value for Money

An often-overlooked category but an important one nonetheless. In recent years burgers have had something of a renaissance with regards to how they are viewed. No longer exclusively sold in roadside vans and fast food restaurants, burgers can now be found on the menu at almost every restaurant you visit, hell there is even an entire artisan burger industry evidenced by the rise of brands such as Byron, Five Guys and GBK.

Number of times the word burger is used on this site

The Burger

Oh mamma, the headliner, the main event, the top of the bill, this is what we all look forward to the most. The quality of a burger can vary wildly from place to place as there are so many variables to consider – is the patty freshly made, how is it cooked, what kind of bun is used, how are the ingredients, do the ingredients compliment each other, the list is endless. Fear not though faithful burger fans, for The Two Bearded Guys have a lifetime of cheeseburger eating experience to draw upon and will be considering all of these factors when writing burger reviews.

The Total

Here you will find the final score we attribute to each restaurant which is calculated using a highly sophisticated and complex mathematical equation written by a team of professors from the University of Stormwind.

We totally don’t just add up all of the other scores, no way, nope. *shifty eyes*

Once this immense calculation is complete we will have a number between 0 and 100, or as us technical guys call it “a percentage score”. This will be used to rank our experiences with the ultimate goal of finding Southampton’s Best Burger.

So there we have it, over the next few weeks we shall be undertaking the arduous task of reviewing Southampton’s burger emporiums and we will be starting the series off with a review will be of the ever popular Five Guys. So tune in next week Beard-fans, meanwhile if you have any recommendations for great burgers in Southampton, we’d love to here them in the comments below.

Lok’tar ogar


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About The Author


Hi, I’m Derren and I’m currently studying Software Engineering as a mature student at Southampton Solent University. Prior to this I spent many years managing restaurants and more recently worked as an insurance claims assessor for one of the UK’s biggest providers. It was in this role that I met Ross and our bromance flourished. In 2015, I left my job to begin my degree studies. During ,my time at Southampton Solent, I have gained extensive experience in numerous Software Engineering disciplines such as full stack web development, software application modelling, database design & management and mobile application development. These activities have led me to be proficient in a number of programming languages including Java, C, Python and Javascript. Outside of work and studies I like to unwind in the outdoors, hiking with my two Cocker Spaniels as well as a bit of cheeky wild camping. I’m also a massive nerd, having a passion for videogames, table-top roleplay and war gaming.



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